Announcing Baby’s Birth

Cigars are so passé, but I still want to announce the birth of my baby in some cool way…

by Joe Kita

How you announce the arrival of a son or daughter should be just as unique as the child itself. No stock “It’s a Boy!” banner or box of cards from Costco will do. You – yes, you! – have reproduced, and it’s time to tell the world….

Rent a billboard. Call a local outdoor advertising company and ask the cost of announcing your good fortune on a main thoroughfare. Or invite your best buds to a ballgame and put the little slugger’s stats up on the scoreboard.

Play a round. Let everyone know you’re now a threesome, foursome or more with a box of custom golf balls imprinted with baby’s name, photo, and handicap. Peruse the options at http://www.ziplinegolf.com/fame2.html.

Drink some beer. What could be better to toast the arrival of a little one than a bottle of beer with his name and picture on it? The Matt Brewing Company in central New York will let you design a label and then put it on bottles of its Saranac Adirondack Lager. A 12-pack costs $29.95, plus shipping and taxes. For teetotalers, there’s root beer. Visit http://mybeer.saranac.com/SaranacBeers.asp.

Hand out chocolate cigars. What we like about these is that they look real. They’re done up in tasteful brown wrapping with a classy B or G band and come in a sturdy cigar-like box. Perfect for the office or binge eating in the middle of the night when baby won’t sleep. One dozen costs $23 at http://www.itsalldirect2u.com/search.aspx?find=chocolate+cigars.

Hand out chocolate bars. At first glance, these look like Hershey Bars with the traditional brown-and-white wrapper. But upon closer inspection you’ll see they actually read Hereheis (or Heresheis) and have the newborn’s name and “net wt” underneath. Available in mini- to five-pound sizes ranging from 65 cents to $99 from http://wrappedhersheys.com/g/For-Baby-Boys-ALL.cfm/va/1.

Print a rookie card. These custom sports cards feature baby’s photo on the front and all his vital statistics on back. If he ever does make the big leagues, one could rival a Honus Wagner in value. Prices start at $39 for 30 at http://home.earthlink.net/~cybernrse/baby.htm.

Notify the Academy. Simply upload your infant’s photo and birth info to www.5starbaby.com, and designers will create a custom movie poster. They’re available as 5×7-inch cards, which can be mailed like traditional announcements, or as full-size posters, which you can use to advertise an opening night show of the actual birth. (Although you better clear that with the missus first.) What better way to say, “A star is born”?